smrisme

I’m fucking devastated. Choking trying to breath, completely hyperventilating. Not only is she not here for me, she’s posting pics of her having a blast with her friends. Very ouch.

Not sure I’ve ever felt so alone as I do at this moment.

Checking out.

Nowadays we are all “plugged in” almost constantly. Between computers, phones, cell phones, internet, ipads, tablets, ipods, etc., we are all surrounded by endless entertainment, news, games, and along with that comes distraction.

Between video games and apps, talking and texting, when do we pay attention to each other any more? When is it too much? Does someone have to play Worlds of Warcraft for six or seven hours for it to be too much, or is there a time limit that makes it okay and acceptable? Is it okay to send twenty texts per day, but sending 200 is somehow over an invisible line?

Our generation is going to grow up with more ADD and more divorce than ever. There are too many distractions that leave couples and partners feeling ignored and unimportant. There are too many kids who don’t know how to pick up a ball and play in the sunshine. When I was a kid, I played outside until the street lights came on and then I would bee-bop around the house looking for something to do. Now, my son would go an entire Saturday inside the house playing video games, if I would let him. We cannot even take a fifteen minute drive somewhere without the kids wanting to grab something to take with them for entertainment.

I go out to eat at restaurants and someone is ALWAYS ON THE PHONE. I have a rule that I DO NOT and WILL NOT answer a phone in a restaurant. It is so incredibly rude. No one wants to hear your conversation. No one waiting in line at Macy’s cares about you having to take your dog to the groomer, or that little Johnny got a B in science class. Neither one of those are conversation that HAVE to take place before you get in your car, or even get home.

The worst part is seeing a couple in a restaurant and one partner is sitting there while the other is on their phone. I always feel bad for the “ignored” person and I remember how this used to feel for me. I remember the feeling of being ignored and unimportant. Then there are the couples where BOTH are on their phones. I always think to myself that they must have a horrible relationship. They have “alone time” and are supposed to be out on a “date” and they aren’t talking or paying attention to each other. It’s just horrible. Put your phone down!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-cell phones. I have a cell phone, and a computer and an ipad. I play games, I surf the web, I facebook, however, I see so many people wherein these video games and apps and message boards take over their lives. I just wish people would reconnect with one another. I remember as a kid playing card games with my parents, playing scrabble, and doing jigsaw puzzles on a card table as a family. Those are some of my fondest memories.

I don’t want my kids to grow up and have their memories be of me being too busy on my phone, or even to have no memories at all because all they did was play video games.

Some of my friendships have really grown as of late and some of them have weaned and disappeared.

I don’t trust easily and I am incredibly loyal, even to those that hurt me repeatedly.

Learning slowly that a lot of my friends who claim to be there are just posers. Never answer calls or texts, never have time, can never help, aren’t there when you need them. Others that I never knew I could count on have come through when I least expected and help from those I would have never imagined would lend a hand.

That feels good. It means MY side of our friendship doesn’t go unnoticed after all.

 The person I had an affair with six years ago ended up to be a total psycho.  He called me for years after the fact.  I paid to block every number I knew, and then he would call me from friend’s phones, and even pay phones.  I never responded to one email, one text message, nothing. He would even call my work at 3:00 a.m., punch in my extension and then leave voice mails, most of the time saying nothing. Finally last year he got the hint and stopped trying to reach out.

 I had a dream this morning that my friend came to my house and said “I need to talk to you about Dan.”  She said “he’s at it again.”  I asked what she meant and she explained that he was starting webpages slandering me, filing false police reports against me (things he HAD done in the past) and that he said he wasn’t going to stop until he “got” me.  As her and I were talking there was a knock at the door.  Now, in my dream I wasn’t afraid to answer the door knowing that he lives on the East Coast and I live in California.

 I opened the door and it was a detective from the FBI.  He said that Dan was making criminal threats against me and that they were very concerned with my safety.  He started asking where I could go, who I had that could help me or provide me shelter, etc.  He suggested that I not talk on the phone or give Dan any way to find out where I was.  He then asked me if I had children.  I told him that yes I had children.  He asked what their ages were, I told him three children under ten.  He said he was concerned for their safety too and we must go and get them at once. At that point I forced myself awake.

 Why now?  Why after five years?  Why so many months after I had declared that I had forgiven him for all the turmoil he represents to me?  The last time I heard from him was on my birthday. He sent me a Facebook message wishing me a happy birthday. I responded “you as well” since we share the same birthday.  I feel like if that let him into my realm of thoughts then why now, nearly a month later, am I having a dream about him again, and why is it shrouded in darkness?

 Every time I struggle with my self confidence I go back to him.  I go back to who I was before I met him. I was so over-confident, I was so positive about myself and my body, even though I was 80 pounds heavier.  He destroyed who I was by putting me down, making fun of me, calling me names, and picking on every thing he could find.  Perhaps that’s how he snuck into my conscious yesterday.  I stood looking in the mirror naked, criticizing myself and my body and all the things I hate about it.  I also went and bought new face products yesterday to try and combat dark circles and wrinkles and all the things that come with my 39th birthday.

 Maybe just maybe that was his gateway into my mind frame?

I am in line at the pharmacy waiting to get ointment for the ezcema on my feet. There is a woman in front of me, elderly and large, in a wheelchair and a companion whom I assume to be her daughter.

The woman smells so bad I am literally getting an upset stomach. Like I’m tempted to leave the line and come back tomorrow.

As I have gotten older I don’t shampoo my hair as much, every other day now, but I still shower daily. I don’t know how people don’t shower. It makes me feel disgusting. Every blue moon I won’t shower on a Sunday but I certainly don’t leave my house! How can her daughter NOT smell that?

I wonder if she has some kind of body issue that makes her smell so bad. Either way, I feel bad for her.

Is this a subject of a blog? Not usually, but I have now been in like for twenty minutes smelling the smell of rotting teeth and toe cheese and I’m at my sensory and boredom limit.

7 to 14

Posted on: March 14, 2013

Our family had a meeting with the District Attorney handling the case of the person who killed my brother.

He currently has six felonies pending against him. The DA doesn’t think all of the charges will stick. She doesn’t expect the gang charges to remain because she hasn’t been able to prove that the drugs in the car, the meth he was clearly out to sell, would have benefited the gang. The gang here doesn’t have a “kick back program” and she didn’t find anything in his text message log to show he was a shot caller or kicking money back. As such she expects those charges to fall off.

She has one option to add another charge under the murder umbrella to compensate for the 3 to 5 years we will lose in the gang enhancement charges but she couldn’t promise us anything for now.

So as it stands he will face 7 to 14 years (less with the loss of gang enhancement charges) and in California he is eligible for half time so he will likely serve roughly 4 years only.

Hardly seems like enough for the loss of my brother’s life.

 

 Throughout my marital separation and the surrounding issues between my children’s father and I, I have tried to remain as positive as possible.  He has said some vile and hateful things about me and in front of my children too.

 Last week he grounded my son from playing on his tablet because he forgot to take his medication.  To me this was outlandish.  My son is nine years old and it is father’s responsibility to give him his medications.  He is a CHILD.  I did tell my son that I didn’t think that was fair of his daddy, which probably wasn’t the right thing to say or do.  My son went back and told my ex I said that, to which my ex told my son “I don’t care what your mother says, she’s wrong.” I dropped the subject because I could tell that it bothered him.

 Last night he called me on the phone and yelled at me for over 36 minutes.  I finally said, “it must take an extraordinary amount of effort to harbor so much anger towards me.”  He responded by telling me I am nothing, I don’t mean anything to him, he feels nothing for me and that I am not worth anything. He is devoid of any emotion towards me because I am not worthy of his emotions. He kept making statements and I wasn’t responding because I won’t play into his drama.  He finally said “are we playing a game of chicken here because you aren’t saying anything.” I said “I have nothing to say to you and I am just waiting to go to bed when you’re done.”  He hung up on me without saying anything further.

 This morning my ex called to tell me he forgot to medicate my son, surprise surprise.  He asked me to go to the school and take him his meds, even though it is NOT my day.  Of course, I agreed to do so because my son cannot be at school and not on his medications. When I got to the classroom my son took his medication and then said “mommy, I have to tell you something.”  He then whispered “daddy has you in his phone as ‘I hate this person and it has a picture of you’” I just said I’m sorry bud, and I gave him a hug.

 He should be ashamed of himself.  I don’t understand why parents in separation and divorce situations have to behave so negatively. As if the children aren’t dealing with enough upheaval and insecurity?

 I try so hard to not bite into the childishness, but when the kids ask me why their daddy says or does certain things, I want to tell the kids “it’s because your daddy is a miserable asshole.”  Of course I don’t say anything like that to them, but I want to scream it!  The only positive is that they see him for who he is over time.

 I wish I could get sole custody of the kids. I wish I could bring up his abuse, his anger, his actions, his prostitutes, and the mental abuse of the kids.  I wish I could explain to a Judge that my kids CRY TEARS driving to his house because they don’t want to be near him.  The problem is that I can’t, because in California, kids have to be 12 years old to have a voice in court. 


  • None
  • smrisme: If she didn't know I was hurting that would be one thing, but she knows. She called earlier and heard me crying. Since then, no call, no text to check
  • foreverlostgirl23: I'd say don't let her get to you but, seems she already had. I'm sorry though your not alone. I hope things get better you can email me if u need to t
  • smrisme: I just fear a lack of human connection will make our generation unbelievably cold and out of touch

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