Facing my childhood
Posted on: September 20, 2012
Yesterday I had a counseling session and we talked about where I am at emotionally at the current moment, plans, and the feelings I am struggling with.
I first explained to her that I had a rental I had found which was a perfect fit for me and the kids. I told her that I had a nagging feeling about it and for whatever reason could not bring myself to turn the deposit over to the landlord even though I was supposed to move in on September 28th. We talked about the nagging feeling, not ignoring it, perhaps it wasn’t the right place, etc.
I then talked about my struggles with abandonment issues, co-dependency and facing this divorce. I explained to her that I have always had abandonment issues. I told her how my parents would argue over who “had” to take me when they were talking divorce. I told her how I just assume every person that comes into my life is going to leave at some point and I just sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. She said it seems like I have faced a lot of emotional loss both through death and loss of important relationships over time, which explains my assumption everyone will leave.
I talked about how I feel like I am co-dependant in my relationship. We also discussed that although it is not fulfilling or rewarding, I am scared to be alone and leave my marriage. I told her I have extreme anger towards myself in that I can’t just run away without looking back. I told her I mentally beat myself up daily because “other women leave their husbands with kids all the time, so what the hell is my problem?” She felt that it has nothing to do with co-dependency and rather the fact that I have never been alone and simply don’t know HOW to be alone, so that fear is what is manifesting into anger. She also said it’s a lack of self-esteem. I don’t have the ability to sit back and KNOW I can do it on my own.
She told me that she felt I was being much too hard on myself, that I am facing a huge life decision with a lot of uncertainties and I am taking the time to sort things out and think things through and that is a good thing. I told her I feel an enormous amount of pressure from friends and family who are pressuring me non-stop to get out of my marriage and my house and how when I try explaining the difficulty to people, they don’t seem to understand.
I told her I don’t have a strong support system and that scares me. I don’t have someone to come over and help with the kids, or household stuff, etc. I don’t have friends or family that will stop bye and ring the doorbell just to make sure I am okay. I have a lot of people in my life that will stand on the side as “vocal cheerleaders” however, when it comes to moving, household stuff, or kid stuff, they won’t be there to help in any way, shape, or form.
She then said that she can see I am struggling with the decision of separating my kids from their father, regardless of how empty our marriage is, and she believes that my mental torture is due to my own childhood. We discussed my current relationship with my dad which caused her to surmise that my own feelings of abandonment and not being loved or nurtured as a child are affecting my decision making now. I am unknowingly trying to protect my children from the issues I faced as a child. I am trying to keep them from the same hurt and lack of a “home” that I faced as a child. The things we discussed were very deep and very hard for me to acknowledge and face.
I left the appointment looking like I had done a ton of drugs with beat red eyes and nose. However, she did make me realize that I am in protection mode, trying to harbor my children from the pain and neglect I felt as a child. Is it an excuse? No. However, I now see why such a “simple” decision to the outsiders looking in is so difficult for me to make.
I never want my children to regret ME adopting them. I never want them to wish they were adopted by another family with a mommy AND a daddy. I never want them to wonder if they could have had a better life with someone else. I never want them to question whether they are loved or wanted. I never want them to feel the pain I have hidden deep down inside for soooooo many years. That is one of my biggest fears.
I have to remember, I am not on anyone else’s timeline. I realize my friends and family want so desperately to see me happy, but I will be happy once things fall into place, and they ARE falling into place, slowly but surely. I have to remember her main point which was to stop beating myself up over this and let it happen. I am slowly building the skills I need to move on from my marriage and every day I AM progressing. As long as I am progressing and moving forward, even if inch by inch, then I have something to look forward to and purpose in all of this.
smrisme 
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