smrisme

The over-critical nature of my husband’s personality has created much insecurity in me over the years. He once told me the only thing he finds attractive on me are my ears. In the 20 years we have been together, our wedding day was the only time he has paid a physical compliment to me, when he said “you look incredible.” Other than that, it’s making fun of my hair, my face, my make up, my feet, etc. There’s not a single part of my body that I am happy with on a daily basis.

Recently I lost about 80 pounds after having weight loss surgery. I am having issues with my body as I have some excess skin, and dramatic physical changes that I am having trouble adapting to. Ironically, I have less self-confidence NOW then I did 80 pounds ago.

During the summer, I have always, even when I was nearly 250 pounds, bought a bikini each year to wear in my own backyard to “tan” while the kids are swimming. I bought one the other day, much smaller than previous years due to my weight loss. I got home and tried it on and was staring at myself in the mirror in the bedroom. (Truth be told, I was standing there criticizing myself and gasping over all of the things I see and hate when I look in the mirror.) My daughter came in the room and told me she liked the black and white pattern. Then my husband walks in… I wanted to vomit just waiting for his shit-tastic comment. Sure enough… he says “what’s with all this loose skin right here” and points to the top of his own thighs. Of course he picks one of the things I am MOST self-conscious about. I have been fighting the urge to take the bikini back since that moment.

His ability to create insecurity in me with ease led me to a realization this morning, a realization about MEL and my insecurities with the cell phone and the constant communication with people ALL THE TIME. Living with someone who is completely anti-social, unfriendly, and miserable all these years, there hasn’t been the “threat” of others. With MEL I feel a constant threat. We can’t do anything together without the cell phone at the ready at all times…. So, I feel a constant “threat” from others, a constant insecurity of losing, which isn’t helped by the “I’m single” and “anyone could swoop in and take me” statements. My fear is that this insecurity will never go away and will only get worse over time. I don’t even know how to bring up to discuss it because it seems so stupid and immature, yet the feelings and fears I feel are real.

There’s a security in being with a curmudgeon that no one else would tolerate. There’s a great level of insecurity in being with someone so amazing that anyone else would be lucky to have them.

I wonder how long it will take me to get over these insecurities, or if I ever will? With my luck, they are in place for the rest of my life and will never go away.