smrisme

MEL called at 11pm. I was awake, hell I am STILL awake. I stared at the phone while it rang. I tried to answer, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t swipe the button, I was completely paralyzed with fear.

WANT to know details. NEED to know details. SCARED to know details, but HAVE to know what happened. What MEL was feeling and thinking.

So here I lie, wide awake, processing what I don’t even know. It’s almost like I’ve figured myself out. I run all the scenarios ad nauseum so that I am prepared for what I hear from MEL, so I am not caught off guard, so that I am NOT raw and broken down in my response. So I can present the perfect little package when I respond so maybe MEL will love me more.

I go out of way to protect myself and my emotions because I have no one else to protect to me. I am alone. I have no rock, no partner, no one. So I converse alone with myself. I think of all the ways I can guard my heart in the coming hours. It’s an exhausting behavior.

When it comes to MEL I didn’t used to feel that need to run scenarios. I went with things, reserved at times, but I slept well every night because I was excited about what the next day would bring. That excitement is gone. That passion for the next day and what it might bring is gone. It’s been weeks since I’ve slept. I look horrible. People are starting to notice.

So instead of sleeping well and content, I run scenarios in my mind. All night long. Tonight is the worst night so far. I feel like a coach the night before a big game, running the plays, the players, the potential outcomes in my mind. I could have answered when MEL called and possibly put my mind at ease, but I was scared. Too scared. So scared.

I wish MEL would have blogged before bed, so I could have a glimpse of the freight train I feel is barreling towards me at full speed. I wish I could put my mind at ease somehow.

“……….must not allow themselves to feel hurt or rejected by the choices made by others, no matter how much they’ve done for them nor how great their love.”

Rejection is the PERFECT word. Duh! It’s what I’ve been looking for and couldn’t put my thumb on. The problem with acknowledging rejection is that insights anger and I’m trying not to be mad at MEL, trying not to lash out, trying to keep my promise to always be there. But, right now I’m running. I see it, I recognize it, but I don’t know how to stop. Before MEL would snap me back to reality and make me stop running with a bear hug of words. I’m running, into darkness with no guiding light in sight, with no arms waiting to hug me. I am alone.

Its 4am and I lie here paralyzed by fear.