Posts Tagged ‘growth’
Abandonment research
Posted on: November 11, 2012
Definition:
Psychological disorder where the individual suffering from this illness cannot control the fear that he or she feels when faced with the idea of having to cope with life and its difficulties alone.
Reading this definition made me realize how far I have come and that I still have work to do. There was a time in my life where I wouldn’t do ANYTHING alone. I wouldn’t go to the grocery store or the mall alone. I would call my mom or my friends to go with me. Part of it is because I have a social anxiety that I don’t really discuss much. When I am in a place with a lot of people and situations where something bad can happen I get fairly severe anxiety. For example, when I go to the bank and have to go inside, I have the constant fear that the place will be robbed while I’m there. Or if I am at a concert or the fair, I have the constant fear that someone will start fighting or shooting. So, I think for many years I coped with it by not being alone in those situations. I still get the anxiety feelings, but they are not as severe as they once were.
So to read that definition interested me because I realized that I was not comfortable being alone for a very long time. As I have gotten older I do plenty of things on my own and actually enjoy shopping alone now. So I guess I have made progress in that way.
Another article I read had the following statement:
Abandonment will start whispering in your ear that you don’t deserve anything better; that you don’t deserve to be loved. That is a lie, intended to keep you small.
This is an area that I am definitely working on. I still get hung up on my past and mistakes I have made and often question how much of the bad things I go through I actually “deserve” as part of karma in action. I do hear that voice telling me I don’t deserve love, or questioning the genuineness of those around me. I question family, friends and loved ones motives, sincerity and it’s a horrible trait.
Then I read a list of signs and symptoms and behaviors associated with someone with abandonment issues. I have copied the ones that I identify most with. There were a couple that do not describe me AT ALL, but these are issues that I can identify with, either partially or completely.
Reaching Out – Someone who suffers from fear of abandonment may reach out for anyone whom he or she has a relationship with. This may lead to unhealthy relationships, or simply the individual’s worst fear, which is driving away the person he or she is clinging to.
Panic – Panicking over small indiscretions is another sign of fear of abandonment. Hearn writes that someone who is suffering from fear of abandonment may call frequently if the person they are clinging to is late, fails to pick up the phone, or call right back.
Complacent Disposition – Many times, Hearn suggests, people suffering from an abandonment complex may become complacent to keep people from leaving. This could involve behavior such as taking on the hardest or most disgusting household chores or sexual activity even when the individual does not want it.
Continual Need For Reassurance –Hearn observes that many people who suffer from abandonment fears are always in need of constant reassurance of affection or love. They will ask a partner or loved one “Do you really love me?” frequently, or exhibit other compulsive behavior to prove that the person they are concentrated on still loves them and will not leave.
Weakened Sense Of Self Worth – People who suffer from the mental problems associated with a fear of abandonment often have a weakened sense of self worth, leading to abandonment depression. “…they feel more happy, confident and real when someone else is there to prop them up and protect them from the boogeyman.” These symptoms can get so severe that there is very little that anyone can do for the person suffering from a fear of abandonment.
I really studied each of these and recognize that I have slowly gotten better on each and every one of these. I still have work to do, but the work is easier to do when I actually understand WHAT I need to work on. The combination of research, my commitment to reading each night and my counseling sessions has already changed me and I can only grow from here.
Facing my childhood
Posted on: September 20, 2012
Yesterday I had a counseling session and we talked about where I am at emotionally at the current moment, plans, and the feelings I am struggling with.
I first explained to her that I had a rental I had found which was a perfect fit for me and the kids. I told her that I had a nagging feeling about it and for whatever reason could not bring myself to turn the deposit over to the landlord even though I was supposed to move in on September 28th. We talked about the nagging feeling, not ignoring it, perhaps it wasn’t the right place, etc.
I then talked about my struggles with abandonment issues, co-dependency and facing this divorce. I explained to her that I have always had abandonment issues. I told her how my parents would argue over who “had” to take me when they were talking divorce. I told her how I just assume every person that comes into my life is going to leave at some point and I just sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. She said it seems like I have faced a lot of emotional loss both through death and loss of important relationships over time, which explains my assumption everyone will leave.
I talked about how I feel like I am co-dependant in my relationship. We also discussed that although it is not fulfilling or rewarding, I am scared to be alone and leave my marriage. I told her I have extreme anger towards myself in that I can’t just run away without looking back. I told her I mentally beat myself up daily because “other women leave their husbands with kids all the time, so what the hell is my problem?” She felt that it has nothing to do with co-dependency and rather the fact that I have never been alone and simply don’t know HOW to be alone, so that fear is what is manifesting into anger. She also said it’s a lack of self-esteem. I don’t have the ability to sit back and KNOW I can do it on my own.
She told me that she felt I was being much too hard on myself, that I am facing a huge life decision with a lot of uncertainties and I am taking the time to sort things out and think things through and that is a good thing. I told her I feel an enormous amount of pressure from friends and family who are pressuring me non-stop to get out of my marriage and my house and how when I try explaining the difficulty to people, they don’t seem to understand.
I told her I don’t have a strong support system and that scares me. I don’t have someone to come over and help with the kids, or household stuff, etc. I don’t have friends or family that will stop bye and ring the doorbell just to make sure I am okay. I have a lot of people in my life that will stand on the side as “vocal cheerleaders” however, when it comes to moving, household stuff, or kid stuff, they won’t be there to help in any way, shape, or form.
She then said that she can see I am struggling with the decision of separating my kids from their father, regardless of how empty our marriage is, and she believes that my mental torture is due to my own childhood. We discussed my current relationship with my dad which caused her to surmise that my own feelings of abandonment and not being loved or nurtured as a child are affecting my decision making now. I am unknowingly trying to protect my children from the issues I faced as a child. I am trying to keep them from the same hurt and lack of a “home” that I faced as a child. The things we discussed were very deep and very hard for me to acknowledge and face.
I left the appointment looking like I had done a ton of drugs with beat red eyes and nose. However, she did make me realize that I am in protection mode, trying to harbor my children from the pain and neglect I felt as a child. Is it an excuse? No. However, I now see why such a “simple” decision to the outsiders looking in is so difficult for me to make.
I never want my children to regret ME adopting them. I never want them to wish they were adopted by another family with a mommy AND a daddy. I never want them to wonder if they could have had a better life with someone else. I never want them to question whether they are loved or wanted. I never want them to feel the pain I have hidden deep down inside for soooooo many years. That is one of my biggest fears.
I have to remember, I am not on anyone else’s timeline. I realize my friends and family want so desperately to see me happy, but I will be happy once things fall into place, and they ARE falling into place, slowly but surely. I have to remember her main point which was to stop beating myself up over this and let it happen. I am slowly building the skills I need to move on from my marriage and every day I AM progressing. As long as I am progressing and moving forward, even if inch by inch, then I have something to look forward to and purpose in all of this.
Ring my bell (in my head)
Posted on: June 14, 2012
Have you ever had a moment when someone says something to you in JUST the right way and it rings the bell in your head and you can hear them saying it over and over? Even if other people said the same thing to you a million times in a million different ways, for whatever reason, the way ONE person says it works? That’s what happened to me yesterday.
I was having a conversation with my friend Tina, who I haven’t seen in two years because she temporarily moved from our town. I was telling her everything I have been through in the last year or so and all my trepidation with getting a divorce, being a single mom, losing my house, etc. She was married with four kids when she decided to leave her husband. He told her she was fat and stupid and no one would want someone with four kids. That was 20 years ago. She lost both houses, her beach house, etc., when she left him and found herself as a single mother when he just wouldn’t come around (which will be my story too.)
Anyhow, I was crying while we were talking and she said the simplest thing to me…. She said “you don’t know what’s in your future until you stop living in your present.” OMG it hit me like a ton of bricks and I can’t stop thinking about what she said. I am slowly putting things into action and gaining my confidence back. It can only get better from here!
I am so thankful for her friendship. She knows me well. She GETS me and she has lost her mommy too, so she understands the abandonment I feel in that regard also. She knew about MEL without me even explaining it. She just KNEW. It’s crazy how connected we are, even after two years apart. I’m glad she’s moved back, I need her support.
I am on a mission… I can do this… and I will be fine in the end. Me and my kids.
smrisme 