One day at a time
Posted on: April 30, 2012
Slowly but surely I will get there. One day at a time.
Letting go is scary. I cling because I long. I long to be accepted and loved and protected for who I am, without stipulations attached.
As empty as the relationship has become, it’s still the constant in my life. Twenty years this November. Twenty years wasted, but still twenty years nonetheless. That is my fall-back, my security, my comfort. But I’m tired of being just comfortable. There is so much more to life.
I have my plans in the works. $1,800 saved so far. Hope to be out in the next two months, but it might take four, just depends on what we will be getting back from our taxes. I need to have three months rent saved up minimum because I don’t know how long it will take to get support ordered and started. Hope to find all that out when Mary’s cousin runs the dissomaster for me.
I’m so scared. Petrified. Terrified of being alone, of not having a person, not having a constant by my side.
I am getting there, one plan and goal at a time. That’s all I can do. Right now what to do with the kids for the summer. Financially it matters big time this year. Plan carefully.
I can’t move til after my 90 days are up at my new job because I can’t afford to miss pay. It’s a huge chunk out of my account, so after June 1st. Seems soon enough, but I really need the taxes filed first.
Brave, scared, defiant, petrified. Those are my cycles right now. I was much more brave when my person was supporting me, but that has waned as of late. It sucks. That’s MY CAD. Hands off.
The plans are slow, but they ARE happening. My day is consumed with plans of how to deal, how to cope, how to answer back in the inevitable string of arguments that are sure to ensue. Everything from pots and pans to photos and movies are all things I’ve already mapped out in my mind.
The planning is he hardest part. The doing and coping will likely pale in comparison. I’m still scared though. No amount of planning will take that away.
I’m getting there. I’m farther than I was yesterday but not as far as I will be tomorrow.
smrisme 
May 7, 2012 at 9:10 am
You can do it!