Posts Tagged ‘letting go’
Attempting forgiveness
Posted on: October 30, 2012
In an attempt at forgiveness, I sent NC an instant message on Facebook today. I said
“Not sure where you and your wife live in New Jersey, but I wanted to say I hope you guys are safe.”
He replied with
“We live in S. Jersey, near Philly, we really didn’t get the brunt of the storm. Never lost power or cable. We appreciate your concern. We just became engaged a couple of weeks ago with a June wedding planned. We hope that you all are doing well….”
I replied with
“Well congratulations and I’m glad that you are safe. Take care”
and he replied with
“Ty! You too!”
I needed to achieve forgiveness with that whole situation. I refuse to carry the anger and blame any longer. I feel happy that I did this.
Lately I hurt someone’s feelings that I love. Who am I to ask for Christina’s forgiveness if I can’t even give it to someone who hurt me? I can’t hold on to anger and pain and then expect someone else to behave the opposite way!
Letting go and forgiving has released that prison of anger and I’m happy to be free today.
Day one
Posted on: June 12, 2012
Today is day one. Day one of this new phase. Last night the anger set in, followed by sadness and then anger again. Finally slept. Have only slept about 10 hours since Friday. However, going to sleep with anger ALWAYS makes me wake up with a migraine. It’s here, in all it’s glory.
This is the impossible chore. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to manage my emotions. I don’t know that I even want to.
My friend called last night wanting to know if I’m alive. She said I hadn’t texted or called or posted on Facebook and she was worried. It felt nice but it was also a clue that I have been so wrapped up in MEL that everything else has fallen out of importance.
How did this happen? How could I do this? How did it come to this? I don’t, can’t, and won’t understand what MEL is thinking!!!!!! I’ve tried, I don’t get it.
I feel lied to, I feel used, I feel gullible, I feel dumb, I feel like I was never ever ever good enough. I was fun, just for fun. Fun for the moment but not for “the long haul” that was said so many times. Fun for the attention and ego boost.
Then I go back to the trip. How could that be JUST fun? How did I feel something that wasn’t there? Am I really THAT blind? Get real! You were nothing but a best friend, friends with benefits booty call. That’s ALL it was. There was nothing else there. You were used, again. YOU felt love, but there was no love, it was all one-sided, like always.
Determined not to live my day in anger or sadness. Seems like the impossible chore since MEL is everywhere, especially in my heart.
Saying goodbye
Posted on: June 11, 2012
Saying goodbye to a lot of things at once. Friendships, relationships, dreams, desires, hopes, love.
Feeling overwhelmed. Hoping I don’t wake up until the pain subsides.
Hoping someday God will send SOMEONE info my life who will love me for me, not take advantage of my kindness and not use me for my generosity.
So so so so tired of being misunderstood.
Hope is for suckers
Dreams are for the gullible
Desire is for the needy
Love is for the hopeless
Fuck them all
I already have……
Posted on: May 25, 2012
Three little words…. Three little words was all it took to turn this…..
Into this……
Truth.
Freeing.
Relieved.
It’s over.
Moving on.
Letting go.
Back to your regularly scheduled program of life.
Carry on.
One day at a time
Posted on: April 30, 2012
Slowly but surely I will get there. One day at a time.
Letting go is scary. I cling because I long. I long to be accepted and loved and protected for who I am, without stipulations attached.
As empty as the relationship has become, it’s still the constant in my life. Twenty years this November. Twenty years wasted, but still twenty years nonetheless. That is my fall-back, my security, my comfort. But I’m tired of being just comfortable. There is so much more to life.
I have my plans in the works. $1,800 saved so far. Hope to be out in the next two months, but it might take four, just depends on what we will be getting back from our taxes. I need to have three months rent saved up minimum because I don’t know how long it will take to get support ordered and started. Hope to find all that out when Mary’s cousin runs the dissomaster for me.
I’m so scared. Petrified. Terrified of being alone, of not having a person, not having a constant by my side.
I am getting there, one plan and goal at a time. That’s all I can do. Right now what to do with the kids for the summer. Financially it matters big time this year. Plan carefully.
I can’t move til after my 90 days are up at my new job because I can’t afford to miss pay. It’s a huge chunk out of my account, so after June 1st. Seems soon enough, but I really need the taxes filed first.
Brave, scared, defiant, petrified. Those are my cycles right now. I was much more brave when my person was supporting me, but that has waned as of late. It sucks. That’s MY CAD. Hands off.
The plans are slow, but they ARE happening. My day is consumed with plans of how to deal, how to cope, how to answer back in the inevitable string of arguments that are sure to ensue. Everything from pots and pans to photos and movies are all things I’ve already mapped out in my mind.
The planning is he hardest part. The doing and coping will likely pale in comparison. I’m still scared though. No amount of planning will take that away.
I’m getting there. I’m farther than I was yesterday but not as far as I will be tomorrow.
smrisme 