smrisme

Today I had a light bulb moment. I have a history and fear of being someone’s dirty little secret.

I have been with my husband for nineteen years.  I have never met any of his co-workers, am never invited to the parties, poker games, superbowl, etc.  When I was with my ex-boyfriend he hid me from everyone.  When I was with a different boyfriend he hid me from his family.  My siblings don’t mention me when they mention their family, and lastly, I once overheard a conversation my mom was having with her friend.  She said to her friend that she knew I was her daughter but that she was so embarrassed to be seen with me because I was so fat.  She told her friend that she knew she was supposed to love me but that she was totally embarrassed by me. Obviously we got over that point and because very close, but that scar is still there. 

So there was a little situation today which brought up this fear and emotion.  I probably never knew it was a fear until the trigger today. So there I was at work having the realization that I have always been everyone’s secret.  I don’t want to be a secret anymore.  I want someone to love me so much they scream it from the mountain tops!  I want someone who loves me so much they would never imagine hiding me from people.  I want someone who loves me so much that they are proud to walk with me, by my side, hand in hand, and can’t wait for me to be part of their world.  I want the kind of love where someone would tattoo my name.  Not actually DO it because I hate tattoos, but be willing to, or have the thought of doing it. That’s the kind of love I want. 

I don’t want to be a secret, I don’t want to cause someone panic, I don’t want someone to be embarrassed, or have a fake name, fake identity, or be faceless, nameless, or gender-less.  I don’t want to be Stephanie, Anna, Marie, Vanessa, or any other bullshit. I want to be ME and be loved for ME and have someone who is PROUD to love the real ME.

Will I have that love someday? I certainly hope so, but the quote I read this week is staying with me……”What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m not really loveable, that I’m not worthy of being loved.”

This is MY fear, my emotion, my problem, not anyone else’s.  This is my past, my scar, my reality.  This is not about YOU.