smrisme

Tomorrow will be one year since my weight loss surgery. Although I haven’t come as far as I had wished I would, I am by no means disappointed.

My first thoughts of weight loss surgery first occurred about 15 years ago, and once I got married and had kids, and my mom passed away, my father became extremely ill, my husband and I separated and I became a second in my own life and everyone and everything else came first.

I got my dad through cancer, two strokes and heart surgery, all in a six year period. I adopted my three children, and attempted to repair my broken marriage. Once it became clear to me that my marriage wasn’t going to survive, I took my doctor’s recommendation and decided to have the surgery. He had been urging it for about two years as all of the females in my family have died of heart attacks and he was worried I would suffer the same fate.

It took a lot for me to put myself first for once in my life but I did it. I completed the classes, the orientation and the psyche evaluation and lost the pre-surgery weight that was required of me. It seemed like a mountain of red tape back then, but it was more of an annoyance than anything else.

Those first few days after surgery were hard. It wasn’t really pain, but fear and the – OMG what have I done – thoughts…. I didn’t really start feeling myself again until just after Christmas and things have gotten better since then. Granted my weight loss has stalled, but I am at a point where I can pretty much eat anything I want, sometimes a good size portion and other times literally two bites. I stopped trying to figure it out and just roll with the ups and downs of it. I know that if I wasn’t a snacker I would have lost a lot more weight by now. I am a snacker and there is no use in fighting it. I’d rather snack all day than have giant meals.

Looking back at my progress I am proud of how far I have come and how well I have adjusted. I went from 247 at my highest to a steady 168 now. I also went from a size 20 pants to a steady size 10 and even a couple of 8s. I laugh at how often I find cute clothes on clearance and they are my old sizes and I think the sale gods are playing tricks on me and laugh.

I am not happy with my body. I wish my stomach was smaller, I wish my boobs weren’t so saggy, I wish I couldn’t use my arms as wings, I wish my upper thighs didn’t have all that excess skin, but I am training myself to look at all that as signs of accomplishment and achievement. How many obese people out there would kill to have just a little extra skin and fit into a size 10?

Recently I have been eating more poorly and have noticed my hair had started falling out again and I have significantly less energy. As such, I am recommitting to myself, my mind and my body. The last two days I have eaten more protein and started taking my vitamins again. This is what I MUST start taking daily again:

I have to remember that bad habits are just that – habits. I can break them again with perseverance, focus and fortitude.

I have come a long way, and it was by no means “the easy route” as some people classify WLS. To anyone who calls it that, I answer by saying, there is nothing EASY about being obese, being judged, ridiculed, chastised, and being trapped in your own self deprecation and shame. Alcoholics can never drink again, drug addicts can never snort again, smokers can never smoke again, but the overweight and obese HAVE to eat. Learning how to NOT turn to food for comfort, for support, etc., is a huge emotional adjustment. I am happy and proud that I have come this far and have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for those that have been along for the ride.