smrisme

So Wednesday night, the night before Thanksgiving, I had the urge to check the phone bill for some reason.  You see, my husband has been texting his side dish from his itouch so that it doesn’t show up on the cell phone bill.  I guess he gotten more bold because they had exchanged 82 text messages in the last week alone.  So I thought to myself, hmmmm I will have to see what I can find later tonight.  

I waited for him to come to bed and then I ended up dozing off.  Luckily he dropped his itouch out of his kung fu grip and it ended up hitting me on the arm and waking me up.  I looked through it and low and behold what do I see?  I see a text message between him and his side dish. He sends her a message whining about how I am leaving him alone and I won’t cook for him, so he will spend Thanksgiving alone, and how I will likely do the same to him on Christmas (even though it is our tradition to not even SHOWER on Christmas.  We never go ANYWHERE on Christmas) but I guess it was whatever scored him sympathy points with her. 

She asks if she can see him.  He asks when.  She says tomorrow and Christmas.  He asks what they are going to do and they exchange a couple of flirty suggestive text messages before she asks if he wants to eat, talk, smoke, drink and fuck.  He says he pics 1, 2 and 5.  She playfully says 3 4 are her favorites, aaaawwwwww aren’t they cute?

They then try and figure out a place to fuck.  They apparently cannot fuck at her house because she has a fiancee.  Classy right?  He suggests a friend of hers house who wouldn’t mind.  She says she doesn’t have one.  He says no problem, just that they need to do some planning.   I’m floored, of course.  He told me he wasn’t joining me and the kids for Thanksgiving because it was his only day off and he didn’t want to leave the house, he just wanted to relax.  Apparently, relaxing included having sex with his side dish.  I then grabbed his phone.  Might as well see what else is there.  She sends him a picture of her and he replies that he can’t stop staring at it and how much he wants to kiss her.  He would NEVER EVER EVER EVER say something like that to me.  I just laid there all night pondering how to confront him, what to say, how to say it without cluing him in on everything I know.

I decide I have to do it early in the morning so he will not yell and scream since the baby sleeps in our room.  6:30 a.m. he gets up and grabs his itouch and I say to him “hey baby, I have a question, is the person you referred to me to as your “wife” in quotation marks, and the one you are planning on having sex with today, is that Carina?”  He first tries to say no, but when I push, if it’s not her then who is it, he finally admits that it is her.  We proceed to fight for 2,5 more hours wherein I am a whore, a slut a scumbag, a tramp, and everything else. I ask him why he always turns things around on me, but he ignores the question.  He proceeds to tell me that he does NOT feel guilty at all and will never feel guilty.  He also tells me that he is at the lowest point in his life self-esteem wise and yet he has the highest urge ever to cheat on me.  I told him there was no reason to cheat.  I’ve told him before, if you want to go, then fucking go!  

I very calmly told him, if he has an itch to fuck other people that needs to be scratched, then by all means go and do it, but he will not come home to me as his wife.  He is free to fuck whomever he chooses, but that entails giving me up.  He said he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.  I told him I already let him fuck two other people!!!!!  He said those don’t count because I let him.  It only counts if he sneaks behind my back.  Like seriously?  Am I in the fucking twilight zone?  Am I THAT pathetic of a person to actually sit around and listen to this insanity?  Apparently so. 

When did I become so pathetic?  When did I start having NO self-esteem?  When did I become the person who would sit around waiting for their husband to cheat on them?  When did I become the girl who has NO swagger, no sex appeal, no confidence?  I am a shell of the confident, sexy, witty, funny, and charming person I used to be.  I know it has to do with the 19 years of mental abuse I have taken from him.  The problem is, I don’t know how to change my mentality and face the road in front of myself. As much as I love him, I don’t want this life any more.  I don’t want to be disposable to people any more. I don’t know how to change, I don’t know where to start, I am more lost today then I was the day my mother left this earth.  Some days I just wish I would die to get out of this misery. I wouldn’t want to take my life because of the pain that would leave with my children, but damn, there has to be a way out of this mentality and misery.  FML.