smrisme

Everything in my life has been going spectacularly…. Which has made me realize… when I am blogging constantly, sometimes daily, or even multiple times per day, it’s because I am in a bad place, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise. When I disappear it’s usually because things are going wonderfully.

My job is going great, my kids are doing better away from their father and my relationship is happy and fulfilling. We have been spending enormous amounts of time together as of late, albeit due to her sacrifice of traveling to see me and the kids.

The kids have really grown attached to her. They ask when she will visit next, they ask to talk to her on the phone, and they talk about her in general conversation. She was so afraid to meet them for fear of rejection, when all the while I KNEW they would completely welcome and accept her.

Financially things have been rough. My friend and her husband have had to bring me and the kids groceries twice. My friend called some churches for me so I could find out who gives out grocery boxes and which days of the month. To go from my own 1800 sq foot home with a swimming pool, to seeking grocery hand outs and attempting to apply for food stamps has been quite an adjustment. Most of my friends see the well-put-together me, but they don’t see my internal struggle and embarrassment. Even this weekend, my bestie came over and his boyfriend looked in my fridge and said “hey, want some lettuce?” Embarrassing! And that’s pretty much all that’s in there, and it’s wilted lettuce at that.

Money is all I think about all day long. How to make it to the next paycheck, how to pay for this or that, what bill can I skip so I can make it to the next payday. I get angry. I get angry that I have worked my entire life to have everything and then have it all snatched away by my move. I sacrificed EVERYTHING I had to live in fear, self-doubt and insecurity. I’m afraid to not be able to feed the kids, I’m afraid they will get kicked out of daycare if I miss another payment due date, I’m afraid someone will break into my house and take what little items I do have (since I don’t have the comfort of a home alarm any longer)

I get angry at my mom. She was supposed to be here to help and support me. She was supposed to be my daycare. She was ADAMANT that my kids never go to daycare. Every month that I pay $1,300.00 in daycare I seethe. The cost of daycare is the crux of my financial issues…without that, the kids and I would live fairly comfortably as I don’t have much debt… a car payment and one credit card which only has an $880 balance.

I want so much for the future. I want so much for my kids’ future. The reality is, at this point I don’t even have milk in my refrigerator, let alone a plan for college or family vacations. I have places I want to go, things I want to see, places I want my kids to experience and I have no means to even think six months from now.

I think about all the little steps that will make things easier… The baby going to kindergarten will lesson my daycare by about $200 per month… the baby going to first grade will lesson my daycare by about $400 per month… and then the older kids getting to a point where they can be latch key kids…. That’s when our quality of life will hopefully improve.

It seems silly to say only three more years……. Somehow I have to get through this next three years…..