smrisme

Today is a sad day, one of those sobering days where I’m just generally sad about things.

I woke up with a stif neck and everything has been downhill since then. I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve been silently tearing up in my office all day long. Have I mentioned how much I love having my own office? Thank god for the solitude and my partially closed door that might as well have a sign that says “fuck off and come back tomorrow.”

I went to lunch with my husband. Interesting since we don’t really talk and he sits on his phone playing game or texting or reading the whole time. I get in his car and immediately wonder who else has sat in that seat and it grossed me out.

Anyhow, we are on the way back to my work (it’s only two lights away on the same street) and he says “I don’t know where I’m going” and my reply was ” turn left at true Acura dealer” to which he says “look I don’t have time for your stupidity.” I asked him why he would say something so mean. He shoots off another mean comment and by this time I’m back at work.

When I went to get out of the car he says “thank u for lunch.”. I was so broken down by his comments I couldn’t even reply. I silently closed the door as the first tear trickled down my face.

I can’t understand. I will never understand. However, that merely compounded into my already emotional state and sad day.

Today is the kind of day that makes me want to run to my person. She’s too busy for me. She doesn’t have the time or the interest in me anymore. I’m letting go of that one day at a time too. I cant look to CAD anymore, i just cant.

So my second option would be to run to food. To eat until I feel better, but I can’t do that either!

Happy I had weight loss surgery? Yes. Miss the comfort and the never rejecting peace of food? Yes. Food never got tired of me, food never bailed on me, food never hurt my feelings, food was a constant that I had to let go of also.

This is all too much for me today. Solitude, silence, alone, sad. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow