Posts Tagged ‘fear’
Ultra Sensitive USA
Posted on: August 1, 2012
Yep, that’s where I am living. Ultra Sensitive USA, population me.
I am trying to make plans and figure things out financially. I am trying to take steps for me and the kids to move out. I am trying I stay positive, but this all seems like such a daunting task.
For five days now I have been trying to get rid of my car I got in December. Being that it’s so new and I put zero down, I am upside down. Trying to find a dealer to help me bury four thousand dollars of negative equity has been a blast <;—- that was sarcasm.
I am going from a crossover SUV with a third row seat to a compact car. It's going to be a huge adjustment especially because I will be stuck in this car for five years and I will have two teenagers by then who will have to squeeze in the back seat with their then seven year old brother – ugh.
Trying to lower my payment, gas consumption and insurance payment all in one. There is a method to my madness, if only I can get someone to work with me and help me.
All of this has caused me a lot of stress. I don't feel supported at all, and am bearing the stress of all of this poorly. I know it but I can't change it either. I broke down and cried at one salesmen, talk about uncomfortable.
I am also crying at night, haven't slept in days, and I have lost three pounds since Saturday.
I have to get rid of the car by this weekend so I can avoid the $454 payment and $315 tags that are both due next week. If I can do that then that will save me about a thousand dollars before the first payment on the new car would be due. A thousand dollars towards moving out and divorce.
There is a method to my madness
The effects on a child
Posted on: July 24, 2012
My children are dramatically affected by my husband’s anger and aggression, there’s no doubt about it. I’ve tried talking to him and I’ve tried telling him the little comments the kids make but all it does is offend him, then he feels attacked and things just get worse and worse.
Last night me and the kids were sitting and watching a movie. The garage door opens as my husband is getting home from work. My nine year old says “mommy, I’m scared”. I said “of what Bud?”. He says “that daddys going to yell at me about something”. I don’t even know how to respond to that. So, I told him to put his shoes on and we could go to the store together.
When we left the store we buckled our seat belts and I said “are you ready Bud?” he said “no, not really.”. I said “why not?”. He answered “because Daddy is just going to be yelling at people.” I wanted to validate what he was saying so I said “I know Bud.” and he said “I wish daddy was the first person to go to bed every night.”
The thing I find the most sad is that at nine years old my son should be idolizing his daddy. He should want to hang with him constantly and instead he is afraid and doesn’t want to be around him. Soon he will be a teenager and these formidable years will be over. Soon my husband will lose all opportunities to bond with my son, and it will be his loss.
I will continue to try to diffuse as much as I can, even when I become the target of his assaults. I will continue to try and give my kids the environment for them to be silly and funny and be whatever they want in life. I will continue to try and be the best mom I can be.
Insecurities
Posted on: July 6, 2012
The over-critical nature of my husband’s personality has created much insecurity in me over the years. He once told me the only thing he finds attractive on me are my ears. In the 20 years we have been together, our wedding day was the only time he has paid a physical compliment to me, when he said “you look incredible.” Other than that, it’s making fun of my hair, my face, my make up, my feet, etc. There’s not a single part of my body that I am happy with on a daily basis.
Recently I lost about 80 pounds after having weight loss surgery. I am having issues with my body as I have some excess skin, and dramatic physical changes that I am having trouble adapting to. Ironically, I have less self-confidence NOW then I did 80 pounds ago.
During the summer, I have always, even when I was nearly 250 pounds, bought a bikini each year to wear in my own backyard to “tan” while the kids are swimming. I bought one the other day, much smaller than previous years due to my weight loss. I got home and tried it on and was staring at myself in the mirror in the bedroom. (Truth be told, I was standing there criticizing myself and gasping over all of the things I see and hate when I look in the mirror.) My daughter came in the room and told me she liked the black and white pattern. Then my husband walks in… I wanted to vomit just waiting for his shit-tastic comment. Sure enough… he says “what’s with all this loose skin right here” and points to the top of his own thighs. Of course he picks one of the things I am MOST self-conscious about. I have been fighting the urge to take the bikini back since that moment.
His ability to create insecurity in me with ease led me to a realization this morning, a realization about MEL and my insecurities with the cell phone and the constant communication with people ALL THE TIME. Living with someone who is completely anti-social, unfriendly, and miserable all these years, there hasn’t been the “threat” of others. With MEL I feel a constant threat. We can’t do anything together without the cell phone at the ready at all times…. So, I feel a constant “threat” from others, a constant insecurity of losing, which isn’t helped by the “I’m single” and “anyone could swoop in and take me” statements. My fear is that this insecurity will never go away and will only get worse over time. I don’t even know how to bring up to discuss it because it seems so stupid and immature, yet the feelings and fears I feel are real.
There’s a security in being with a curmudgeon that no one else would tolerate. There’s a great level of insecurity in being with someone so amazing that anyone else would be lucky to have them.
I wonder how long it will take me to get over these insecurities, or if I ever will? With my luck, they are in place for the rest of my life and will never go away.
Fear.
Posted on: May 29, 2012
MEL called at 11pm. I was awake, hell I am STILL awake. I stared at the phone while it rang. I tried to answer, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t swipe the button, I was completely paralyzed with fear.
WANT to know details. NEED to know details. SCARED to know details, but HAVE to know what happened. What MEL was feeling and thinking.
So here I lie, wide awake, processing what I don’t even know. It’s almost like I’ve figured myself out. I run all the scenarios ad nauseum so that I am prepared for what I hear from MEL, so I am not caught off guard, so that I am NOT raw and broken down in my response. So I can present the perfect little package when I respond so maybe MEL will love me more.
I go out of way to protect myself and my emotions because I have no one else to protect to me. I am alone. I have no rock, no partner, no one. So I converse alone with myself. I think of all the ways I can guard my heart in the coming hours. It’s an exhausting behavior.
When it comes to MEL I didn’t used to feel that need to run scenarios. I went with things, reserved at times, but I slept well every night because I was excited about what the next day would bring. That excitement is gone. That passion for the next day and what it might bring is gone. It’s been weeks since I’ve slept. I look horrible. People are starting to notice.
So instead of sleeping well and content, I run scenarios in my mind. All night long. Tonight is the worst night so far. I feel like a coach the night before a big game, running the plays, the players, the potential outcomes in my mind. I could have answered when MEL called and possibly put my mind at ease, but I was scared. Too scared. So scared.
I wish MEL would have blogged before bed, so I could have a glimpse of the freight train I feel is barreling towards me at full speed. I wish I could put my mind at ease somehow.
“……….must not allow themselves to feel hurt or rejected by the choices made by others, no matter how much they’ve done for them nor how great their love.”
Rejection is the PERFECT word. Duh! It’s what I’ve been looking for and couldn’t put my thumb on. The problem with acknowledging rejection is that insights anger and I’m trying not to be mad at MEL, trying not to lash out, trying to keep my promise to always be there. But, right now I’m running. I see it, I recognize it, but I don’t know how to stop. Before MEL would snap me back to reality and make me stop running with a bear hug of words. I’m running, into darkness with no guiding light in sight, with no arms waiting to hug me. I am alone.
Its 4am and I lie here paralyzed by fear.
One day at a time
Posted on: April 30, 2012
Slowly but surely I will get there. One day at a time.
Letting go is scary. I cling because I long. I long to be accepted and loved and protected for who I am, without stipulations attached.
As empty as the relationship has become, it’s still the constant in my life. Twenty years this November. Twenty years wasted, but still twenty years nonetheless. That is my fall-back, my security, my comfort. But I’m tired of being just comfortable. There is so much more to life.
I have my plans in the works. $1,800 saved so far. Hope to be out in the next two months, but it might take four, just depends on what we will be getting back from our taxes. I need to have three months rent saved up minimum because I don’t know how long it will take to get support ordered and started. Hope to find all that out when Mary’s cousin runs the dissomaster for me.
I’m so scared. Petrified. Terrified of being alone, of not having a person, not having a constant by my side.
I am getting there, one plan and goal at a time. That’s all I can do. Right now what to do with the kids for the summer. Financially it matters big time this year. Plan carefully.
I can’t move til after my 90 days are up at my new job because I can’t afford to miss pay. It’s a huge chunk out of my account, so after June 1st. Seems soon enough, but I really need the taxes filed first.
Brave, scared, defiant, petrified. Those are my cycles right now. I was much more brave when my person was supporting me, but that has waned as of late. It sucks. That’s MY CAD. Hands off.
The plans are slow, but they ARE happening. My day is consumed with plans of how to deal, how to cope, how to answer back in the inevitable string of arguments that are sure to ensue. Everything from pots and pans to photos and movies are all things I’ve already mapped out in my mind.
The planning is he hardest part. The doing and coping will likely pale in comparison. I’m still scared though. No amount of planning will take that away.
I’m getting there. I’m farther than I was yesterday but not as far as I will be tomorrow.
Lesson learned
Posted on: March 27, 2012
Yesterday I opened up and shared something with someone I have never shared with ANYONE in my entire life and it did nothing but bite me in the ass and remind me why I don’t open up and share.
Knowing others around you either won’t understand or don’t care about your pain and strife is a little unsettling and unnerving. So there I go, back into my shell where I don’t need others to understand me, I understand myself just fine. Not to mention, if I stay in my shell, you can’t hurt me.
Lesson learned.
“Being sorry is the highest act of selfishness, seeing value only after discarding it”
smrisme 